Making It Work

Maintaining a long-distance romance can be tough, but with some care and attention, it can grow into an incredibly strong relationship.

# Dr. Mary Ann Troiani, a Chicago-based counselor, is a firm believer in the “3 As”�attention, appreciation and affection. She suggests “love rituals” such as calling at special times. “Bedtime’s nice, I call it ‘telephone tucking.’ Show your feelings by sending cards and clippings � not just emails,” she urges. A time frame for being together is essential, but even when apart, make certain your lover feels like a number one priority. Most importantly, when arguments arise, never log off or hang up without resolving them.”

# Remember to allow an “adjustment period” when visiting your long-distance love. You’ve both been accustomed to the single life and the habits that come with it, and it takes time to adjust to sharing space with another person.

# Travel costs and phone bills become things you have to accept as a part of your relationship. It can get expensive, but it’s important to allow for these expenses whenever you can. As Karina says, “it’s an investment in something really important.”

Learning to Adjust

Readjustment to couple-hood can be another unexpected challenge when you’ve become used to saying “good-night” to a telephone. “Before long I’d reverted to my single girl ways. I started writing around 4 p.m. and finished about l [a.m.]. And, with no one else to consider, I got pretty messy. Craig likes to begin writing at 5 a.m. Also, he’s very tidy. The hardest part, when my stint in Reno was over and we both had teaching jobs in Wisconsin, was readjusting to each other’s quirks.

This “readjustment process” can be tough when the time you have to spend together is limited. Karina, a New York writer, spent many long weekends with Daniel, a Los Angeles-based computer consultant, in either her city or in his. “The first day or so, we really wouldn’t be getting along. We’d fight over little things. It scared me until I realized that we always took a few days to ‘get used to each other.’ Once we allowed for this, and there wasn’t so much pressure to get along all the time, things became a lot easier.”

For Antoinette, the long-distance relationship that everyone said was crazy is going strong since her first spontaneous romantic escape on that cruise. Jerry visits her in California often, and she makes the trip to D.C., whenever she can. “Both of us are dedicated to our work but still make time for each other. We communicate regularly by phone and email, but I also feel that it’s important to see and know each other on home ground. We’ve passed that test too.”

Romantic rendezvous are a fringe benefit. Last New Year’s Eve, the couple made a commitment: “We’re going to celebrate the millennium � and three years of long-distance togetherness � in Rome, the Eternal City.”

Communication and Trust

Dr. Waters believes that long-distance relationships are on the rise in today’s fast-paced world. “The job market is problematic. One person may be building a career while the other has to relocate because his or her company is downsizing. Something has to give. Traditionally, it’s been the woman because she’s making less money. Continuing the relationship from a distance is a new alternative that can work if the relationship is strong.”

Even long-distance marriage, once unheard-of, is becoming more common: One spouse will get an important career opportunity in a faraway location, and the other finds equally compelling reasons to stay put.

Jean and Craig had been married for seven years. Craig, a photojournalist, was getting his Ph.D. at the University of Wisconsin when Jean received an exciting offer from the University of Nevada to establish a curriculum in visual communications.

“What made it possible was our mutual concern with each other’s needs and aspirations,” Jean says. “I could have continued in the same dead-end job, but Craig knew I wouldn’t have been happy. At the same time, I wanted him to have the best possible Ph.D.”

“We did a lot of talking. It’s important that you not have trust issues to deal with. We knew each other really well. I liked that he worried about me a little. I worried about him too,” she says.

Jean and Craig made a point of getting together every five weeks � daily phone calls were important too. “They were pretty mundane,” Jean recalls, ” a lot of ‘I ate this, I went there,’ the kind of things we might have talked about at dinner if we’d been together. But isn’t that what relationships are about � all the little things you’re doing and feeling?”

Long-Distance Love

Maintaining a long-distance romance can be tough, but with communication and understanding, it can blossom into an incredible relationship

As we become a truly global society, communication technology allows us to share ideas instantly across wide spaces, and the Internet is becoming an accepted way to meet people with similar passions. But when we’re involved with someone who lives many miles away, we’re still faced with the very real distance between ourselves and the object of our affections.

Jerry, a Washington, D.C.-based scientist, and Annette, a California writer, began a cyberspace romance that took off in a way that surprised them both � numerous emails. His wake-up notes. Her wistful goodnight mail. Her morning had scarcely begun when he looked up from afternoon coffee to click out a brief summary of his day’s events. The catch: Their computers, and their lives, were a continent and three time zones apart. The couple, fueled by romance, decided to take a chance and book a cruise together. “People thought we were crazy,” says Annette, “Perhaps we were, but it worked for us.”

Indeed, it can be tough to embark upon something that society often views in a negative light. We’re often admonished to remember that long-distance relationships are just too difficult to manage. We’re told “It’ll never work,” by well-meaning friends and family. Dr. Judith Waters, director of the Master of Arts program and a counselor at Fairleigh Dickinson University in New Jersey, is among the hopeful. She knows firsthand what it takes to keep a long-distance romance alive.

For nine years, she and her husband were on opposite sides of the world while he oversaw construction of the parliament house in Canberra, Australia. “It worked because we made it work. Every two months, either I went there or he came here,” she recalls.

Respect

“A marriage is about friendship, respect, acceptance, and celebration of one another,” says Amy Heckman. “I see so many clients whose marriage will end because the respect goes,” she adds, “and as a result, distrust and negativity take over.”

Good signs:

* You know your partner’s faults and limitations and are able to accept some imperfections.
* You grow as a couple and as individuals. You support and encourage each other�s individual interests and identity.
* You feel you can always be your “real self” with your partner.
* You recognize that the diverse experiences and family dynamics he has known have had a hand in making him the person he is. Though you may not embrace all the differences, you do not hold them against him.

Warning signs:

* You think he is perfect or, at the other end of the spectrum, you spend all your time criticizing his character.
* He tries to stifle your interests, insists upon spending every moment together and doing what he wants to do.
* You are constantly struggling to live up to his standards and/or the person you think he wants you to be.

Love

“Love in a marriage must be unconditional,” states Heckman, “because if you’re constantly trying to fulfill someone else’s conditions, you’ll ultimately fail.”

Good signs:

* In stressful times or crisis, you are side by side. You have the ability to comfort one another and provide the necessary support and advice.
* There is a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship.
* You are truthful.
* You give of yourself, make sacrifices in order to make the other person happy, and are willing to forsake some personal pleasure or gains for the benefit of the marriage.
* You are emotionally, physically, and mentally compatible, attentive to each other�s needs as both friends and lovers.

Warning signs:

* When the going gets tough, he can’t be found.
* He considers himself a latter-day Don Juan, constantly eyeing the opposite sex.
* You hear him lie convincingly and/or grossly exaggerate to others (which means he just as easily does this with you).
* You are familiar with the phraseology “If you would just . . . then I would love you more.”
* There is little physical affection, laughter, or comradery between the two of you.

Love Yourself

This triad of marriage’s essentials may be the foundation, but there is also much more involved in making a union long-lasting and successful. “You need to be in charge of your own happiness,” asserts Jennifer, the psychiatric social worker. “If you let someone else be responsible for it, you’ll never truly be happy. Your mate should enhance your happiness, your attitude and your life, not create it,” she adds.

Not making another person responsible for your happiness can only happen when you have fully explored yourself. “People aren’t getting married at 21 anymore. They’re waiting longer because they want to better explore themselves,” says Heckman. That said, when a woman has a strong sense of herself and where she wants her future to go, she can then take ownership for creating and sustaining her own happiness.

As you find yourself yearning to take that walk of a lifetime down the aisle, keep in mind:

1. There should be no such thing as jumping in with your eyes closed
2. Spending lots of time with and getting to know a potential mate is essential and if it doesn’t feel right, it’s not because you’re being “too picky”
3. The only people who benefit from divorce are the lawyers
4. And, finally, best put by famous author F. Scott Fitzgerald, “Marry in haste and repent at leisure.”

Still trying to figure out if he�s “the one?” Get some input from women who�ve been there in our Tales From the Heart message board.

Challenges to Overcome

But not every May-September romance can stand the test of time. Sometimes it’s simply not a good match and the additional challenges that an age difference brings can become overwhelming. Brenda Kofford, a therapist from Jacksonville, Florida who counsels couples always asks: “Do they have the same beliefs and expectations?” Hugely different interests and ideas about the world can challenge any relationship, and age difference can sometimes mean more gaps and more rigidity.

A common source of conflict for people of different ages can be children. Younger women may find they’re not yet ready to have a family when their older partner wants one or, conversely, she may want a baby while her divorced husband already has his hands full with kids from his previous marriage. When a woman is older, she may not want a child to disrupt her career or she may have passed her fertile years. If she does want a baby, she might find herself impatiently waiting for a younger partner to be ready.

Career differences also divide couples. Younger women may find themselves in entry-level positions while their husbands bring in executive pay. Older women may become a threat to their younger partners if they make more money or are much more successful.

Kofford’s advice�� and what has worked for Stephanie and Cheri�� is to focus on the positives in the relationship and why you got together in the first place. “No relationship is a perfect-fit puzzle,” Kofford says. Those who accept age difference as a unique aspect of their romance find the benefits flourish. If you let it, love knows no boundaries and, most of the time, it’s never heard of age discrimination.

Romantic Fling or the Real Thing?

As she walked down the long aisle, she knew she looked the part of the radiant bride, and yet, somewhere buried beneath layers of tulle and silk, she also knew she was making the biggest mistake of her life. Randy (her name has been altered), 29, hasn’t made it through the newlywed year and doesn’t know if she will. “Once all the attention and warmth died down, we were, well, just left with each other,” said Randy. “And truthfully,” she continued, “I don’t know that I was at all prepared for the reality of what marriage should be and could be. I think I may have been seduced by the wedding magazines and my starry-eyed visions. I think I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

Randy is not alone. She lives in a society in which a lot of people are making mistakes. According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, the current divorce rate is estimated to be between 40 and 60 percent.

Why do so many marriages end in divorce? “Many women fear being alone, starting over or don’t want to forsake that familiarity with another person, and as a result, settle with having a relationship that may not have the love and respect essential for a successful marriage,” suggests marriage counselor Amy Heckman. She also points to the women who succumb to the pressures of the “marriageable age” concept (the older you get, the staler you get), the feeling that their peers are moving on, or their loudly ticking biological clock, resulting in a rushed-into marriage. Or, as experienced by Randy, there are those who are unable to remove themselves from the “romantic love” that all newly enamoured couples experience, failing to ensure that they have the foundations of what makes a marriage work.

What are the secrets of a successful marriage and how can you make sure your Mr. Right is in fact Mr. Right? In addition to work, work, work, this guide will help explain the cornerstones of a healthy, long-lasting partnership.

Older Woman, Younger Man

On the flip side of the May-September scenario, some women find an ideal mate who is years younger than themselves. It’s rare among our parents and grandparents, but it happens more often now that women have careers outside the home. Perhaps this is because financial independence has lessened women’s sense of urgency to marry and be “taken care of” by a man who is more established.

Seven years ago, Cheri was 38 when she visited Japan and lived with a Japanese family. The youngest son, Yuto, 25 years old at the time, was then recovering from a car accident and was on disability leave from his job. The two took long bike rides, visited museums together, and eventually fell in love during her six-month visit. When Cheri returned to the U.S., Yuto joined her a few months later. Soon after he joined her, they got married and had a daughter.

Despite huge cultural and age differences, Cheri finds that her and Yuto’s relationship fits as comfortably as an old shoe. “It’s only personality; age doesn’t play a role at all.” Their strong friendship and ability to be flexible keeps the relationship strong. While it’s obvious at times that Cheri has more experience and knowledge, Yuto often uses that information to make better decisions. The dynamic has convinced Cheri that this age difference has real benefits. “If we were the same age, it’d be more of a tug of war. We’d be in competition,” she says.

The 13-year age difference between Yuto and Cheri sometimes gets attention, but rarely sparks serious conflict. While her career in television earns her a lot more than Yuto’s job in the travel industry, he doesn’t resent it. Now that Cheri only works part-time and stays home to take care of their three-year-old, he’s the main breadwinner.

Sometimes the relationship strikes others as odd. In Japan, such an age difference is very rare, so Yuto shaves a few years off Cheri’s age when asked by Japanese people. The two also have to shrug off looks and probing questions because Yuto looks young for his age and is the same height as Cheri.

Still, for Cheri, the age difference feels invisible. With a vegetarian diet and healthy lifestyle, she plans on keeping it that way into her senior years. “We’ll be the same. I don’t think there’s going to be much difference as we age,” she says.