Be a Better Flirt

Beyond the things we do subconsciously to send signals to the opposite sex, what can we do consciously to attract potential partners? The FlirtZone is an actual “flirting academy” in London, England, that offers workshops on how to flirt effectively. Its founder, Peta Heskell, offers the following flirting tips for women on the Zone’s web site:

* Give clear signals. Men are notorious for misinterpreting signals from women. Make sure your flirting conveys the message you want it to (i.e., separate sexual flirting from friendly flirting).

* Wear something eye-catching. If you want someone to approach you, it’s much easier if you’re wearing a conversation-starter (i.e., a fun hat, a crazy pin).

* Feel good about yourself. Positivity is contagious. When you flirt, feel good about yourself and others will feel good about you.

* Separate yourself from friends. In general, men find women much more approachable when they are by themselves. This lessens the chance that he’ll be rejected in front of an audience.

* Check your voice. In Peta’s own words: “Does your voice sound like a dental drill or do you wash people in waves of sensual sound?”

* If you aren’t interested, be polite about it. It takes a lot of courage to approach someone so be sure to turn him down in a way that you would appreciate being turned down yourself.

* Be interesting by being interested. Flatter him by showing genuine interest in who he is � ask lots of open-ended questions. It will also tell him that you need a little more information before giving him your number.

* Ask him what he enjoys doing. It’s easy to rely on the good old opener, “So what do you do?” but, for some men, it translates into “How much do you make?” Because men are more activity-oriented than women, asking them what they enjoy doing will tell you more about what makes them tick.

* Only give out your real phone number. If you decide to share this information, only give him the real thing or give nothing at all. Again, it takes a lot of guts to ask for a number so treat him the way you would like to be treated.

* Make the first move. Peta says that 95 percent of the men she’s talked to would love to be approached by a woman. Chalk it up to another step forward for women’s equality.

* Be yourself. Be proud of who you are. Pretending to be someone you are not won’t get you very far in a relationship.

How We Flirt

There are good reasons why our physical features play the greatest role in flirtation and our brains are tuned to respond to them. Just as peacocks are primed to pay attention to elaborate tail feathers, women may quiver at the sight of men with large, even features, square jaws, and big bones. They may actually rate such men as better prospective sex partners. One theory is that all of those large features are also signs that the creature has an immune system healthy enough to support such extravagant apparatus.

Similarly, by flaunting, say, our curves and swinging our hips from side to side as we sashay down the street, we do more than announce “I am an attractive and available woman.” We call attention to important attributes. Scientists have established that a small waist coupled with ample hips � very curvy proportions � is a sign of both health and fertility in women. It’s nature’s way of declaring the likelihood that we are capable of bearing children and surviving to raise them. After all, nature has a big stake in the attraction matter � nothing less than the continuation of the species.

When a relationship gets under way, courtship follows, and two people can then apply more rational criteria in deciding whether a particular partner is lifetime-mate material. Also, more subtle signals come into play, like humor, intelligence, creativity, emotional sensitivity, and expressiveness. After all, they, too, figure prominently in our ability to survive the relatively complex lives we lead today.

Why We Flirt

Birds do it. Bees do it. In their way, even educated fleas do it. They flirt. Think of flirting as a silent but very visual language that creatures great and small use to indicate their interest in a particular member of the opposite sex. We flirt to announce attraction and to signal availability. It is a universal language spoken by all animals as well as humans, a kind of self-promotion advertising our fitness for a relationship and, sooner or later, for mating.

Scientists now know that we flirt by trying out our sexual sundries without having to go all the way with every potential prospect � it’s pretty much risk-free. What’s more, flirtation kicks in automatically, at the instant of attraction, driven by primitive, emotionally reactive parts of the brain.

While flirting can be viewed as important business with serious goals in mind, it’s also just plain fun. Men and women do it regardless of where it may lead because it’s pleasurable and erotic in its own right.