Tips on Bridging the Cultural Divide

# Get in touch with his family before the first big meeting, especially if it’s planned for a big holiday. Holidays are emotional times for many families, and therefore not the best time to spring big issues. Getting together for a lunch or dinner date, or for a play or other cultural event can provide a chance to get to know one another a bit under more relaxed conditions.

# Recognize the importance of an ally. As in the case of Linda and Alan, one parent who is accepting of your relationship can ease the fears of the others. Parents may be more accepting if the “seal of approval” comes from one of their own peer group, or because they don’t want to be seen as the “unenlightened ones” in the equation.

# As Melissa Mertz discovered, it’s important to discuss why rituals and cultures are so important to us. Tell your partner that Easter dinner makes you feel like an important part of your family, since it’s something you’ve always shared, rather than simply insisting on attending.

# Focus on building your own rituals and experiences together. These are the ones you’ll treasure in the years to come. Bringing other family members into these events may even lead them to have more respect for your relationship.

Learning to Compromise

Melissa Mertz, a family therapist in private practice in New York, sees this cultural “tug-of-war” often. “For some couples, the issue of cultural survival is very tricky. But couples have to learn to compromise. The issue of cultural differences is an easy one for people to use in order to stay disconnected from each other. “

Mertz counsels couples to grow together. “People need to understand that if they’re still holding on to the traditions of their family of origin to the extent that it’s hurting their relationship with their spouse, they need to divorce their family of origin so that they can really be married to each other.”

Mertz herself is a Catholic married to a Jewish man. At one time, she reports, their religious differences caused considerable stress.

“We used to fight about the Christmas tree because I saw it as a ritual and he saw it as a religious symbol,” she recalls. “Rich and I even went to classes to help us deal with this issue. He began to accept it as a ritual that was important to me, and I was able to communicate to him that my need for it had to do with the fact that it was the only connection I had with my family.”

This acceptance works to affirm, rather than divide, a family’s closeness. Jenny and Sanjit, who have been married for 10 years and have seven-year-old twins, say that cultural differences have added richness to their family life. Jenny, who is half-Chinese and half-white, introduced Sanjit, who is Catholic and Indian and observes all the traditional Western Christian holidays, to the celebration of the Chinese New Year.

Linda and Alan ultimately settled on the name Jamal�similar enough to James to satisfy Alan but with an African-American flavor, which pleased Linda. “We each learned how to compromise,” says Linda, “we’re too important to each other not to.” Like Susan, Alan and Linda learned that cultural identity needn’t be a threat to the relationship. A mixed marriage may not be without its problems, but it adds enormous richness to family life, as well as insight into other communities. “Deciding between my traditions and hers was never an issue,” agrees Sanjit. “We just celebrate everything. The twins, of course, think they’re the luckiest kids in the world!”

A Game of Tug-o-War

Susan was excited to meet her future mother-in-law, Marie, and Arturo’s extended family. But when she arrived at Marie’s pleasant Washington Heights apartment, she was wholly unprepared for her greeting: “Oooh, you’re so skinny!” said Marie with genuine alarm, leading Susan to the kitchen table and piling high a plate of oxtail stew. Susan, who had recently gone on a diet in preparation for her wedding � and wasn’t sure how she felt about oxtail to begin with � didn’t want to seem rude by declining Marie’s cooking.

As the weekend progressed, Susan felt increasingly disoriented. Since there were a fair number of children in Arturo’s extended family, Susan expected a traditional Easter egg hunt. But there were no chocolate eggs in sight. Instead Marie served up a traditional Dominican Easter pudding made with sweet red beans and decorated with a crucifix made of red wafers.

Small things, to be sure. Yet taken together, these details had Susan thinking about just how different her experiences had been from those of her fianc�. “Even though it was nice, it was unfamiliar,” she recalls. “For a moment, there, I had to ask myself whether I could feel at home with a family that was just so different from mine. But once I familiarized myself with their way of celebrating, I began to relax and enjoy myself.”

When Linda, who is black, and Alan, who is white, were first married, they both believed that their love could overcome all obstacles. But from the very beginning, their marriage lacked the support of either of their families. This increasingly painful situation strained their relationships with their parents, and consequently began to try their own relationship.

Alan’s father, James, with whom he was very close, was the first to fully accept the couple. James became an ally, instrumental in helping to influence the other parents. Tragically, just before Linda became pregnant, James unexpectedly died. And Linda and Alan began to argue about what to name their son.

“I wanted to give him a name that was more traditionally African-American,” says Linda. “It was important to me to preserve my culture and to hand that down to my son, who was going to be perceived by the world as a Black man. But Alan wanted to name our child James in honor of his father.”

Love Across a Cultural Divide

Love conquers all, or so we’d like to think. But when a relationship comes up against the ties of family, culture, and tradition, it helps to have the patience of a saint and the skills of a diplomat.

Increasing numbers of American couples claim mixed racial heritage, and millions of others come from mixed religious backgrounds. While many of these couples are indeed drawn to one another in part because of their differences, the same qualities that may have attracted them can become relationship stumbling blocks.

Susan and Arturo are part of this growing trend toward multicultural, multiethnic relationships. Susan, a strawberry-blond optometrist from Seattle, prepared to travel with her fianc� Arturo to spend Easter at his family home in New York City. The couple had met just seven months earlier when the dashing sales rep, originally from the Dominican Republic, came into Susan’s store to check his prescription.

“One of the things I noticed immediately about Arturo is that he is extremely chivalrous � so different from the guys I knew,” says Susan. “Arturo is always appropriately dressed, holding the door open, escorting me somewhere. I had always looked for that chivalry in a guy, but I had been looking in a world where that just didn’t exist � until I met Arturo.”

Starting Your Search

So you want to take the plunge, but the World Wide Web is huge. Where do you go? A web site or newsgroup that caters to any nonromance interest of yours � say, antique Persian rugs � will involve people talking and meeting electronically, and many romances have grown from discussions of shared interests.

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Join the Single Girls’ Club now!

Chat rooms abound online, and people enter them with the specific interest of meeting others. “A chat room is instant, so when people are lonely, they can sign on and instantly be connected to a potential partner or new friend,” observes sociologist Robin Hamman of Britain’s Hypermedia Research Centre. But the nature of these connections may not be your cup of tea. Hamman’s studies of chat room users show that many participants are “sitting naked in front of their computers, sharing interactive sexual fantasies with each other.” Adds Dr. Appell: “The search for real relationships there is rare.”

An alternative is posting a personal ad online in a personals or dating registry, or joining an online dating service like Match.com, browsing their personals ads, and responding by email to those that pique your interest. “Posting in an online personals area is like placing a personals ad in the newspaper,” says Hamman. “It could take days, even months, for anyone to reply to your ad if at all. The quality of responses, however, might be more satisfactory because only those who truly think they might be your ‘match’ tend to reply.”

There is a guide to personals services online; it’s called Cupid’s Network. The site lists and has direct links to hundreds of dating and personals services, most of which you can browse on a trial basis at no cost. Dr. Appell recommends this as a place to invest some time. “Take care in selecting a network. Some are ‘players’ places,” catering to the young-and-restless or to those in search of non-serious relationships. The more selective you are in matching a network to your interests and goals, the higher the quality of responses you get.”

Proceed with Caution

“The major danger of the online world, as it is in the real world, is that you will be seduced by words and not by character,” observes Dr. Appell. For this reason he urges people to go back to the earliest email messages received in an exchange and read between the lines. He believes that all of the themes in the relationship’s development are present in the initial communication.

Looking for love in all the wrong places? Join the Single Girls’ Club now!

One deception rampant in the electronic world is marital status. “You must ask the pertinent questions, such as age and marital status, early in the course of an exchange,” stresses Dr. Appell. “Scammers fudge on them. If there’s any equivocation, hit the delete button. It’s a way to eliminate the married or the ‘players.’”

Dr. Bernardo J. Carducci, professor of psychology at Indiana University, points out that relationships normally progress by way of a reasonably paced flow of self-disclosure that is reciprocal in nature. A disclosure process that moves too quickly � anonymity removes the stigma of getting sexually explicit � doesn’t just destroy courtship; it may be a sign of maladjustment. Be wary of people who reveal a great deal of information about themselves too quickly.

What you want is what Dr. Appell calls “communicative matching.” He urges honesty to self, moving at a rhythm and pace that feels natural to you. It’s also important to keep the rhythm and pace of emailing steady. Because email lacks expressive tones, any changes in the rhythm of messaging may be read as changes in feelings.

One good indicator of a relationship’s potential is a correspondent’s interest in his or her children, whether small or grown. People who are attached to their children are likely to be capable of emotional involvement and know something about commitment.

Love Stories

It was Valentine’s Day, 1997, and Beverly Appell, in her mid-40s, was newly located in rural Tennessee when she began a systematic online search for some kind of relationship. What started as curiosity became a daily ritual. Every morning before leaving for work she selected one state’s personal ads to explore. She began on the east coast and moved west � electronically.

On April 18 she hit California. There she found an ad, posted on Valentine’s Day, by Dr. Appell. Many months of emailing followed and, eventually, a meeting was planned. But Beverly became skittish about traveling all the way to San Francisco to meet a stranger, so she arranged a proxy meeting between Kenneth and an old friend in the Bay area whose opinion she could trust. “You have a wonderful man out here,” her friend told her after the meeting. “You’ve got the world waiting for you out here.”

William R., a divorced management expert in his early 50s, runs a major professional organization in New York City. He uses a personal screen name that reflects his preferred vacation spot � it’s something like “WyomingMan.” One day while he was online an interloper sent him an instant message � Do you really love Wyoming?

The messager was a divorced single mom, a 45-year-old school administrator living in the New York suburbs who had begun a quest for companionship by entering a few keywords into a search of the membership directory at America Online. A mutual interest in hiking out west led to many conversations with William and a very successful in-person meeting. A year of courtship and, two months ago, marriage, followed.

Love in the Internet Age

The Internet can be a great place to find love… if you do it right.

If you’re looking for love, the chances are increasingly good that you will search for it � and find it � online. Dating services are so busy signing up new members that some can afford to specialize in almost any human interest you can imagine � from auto parts to zebras. Internet romance is so hot, say experts, that the day is fast approaching when searching online will be the standard way people find love.

“Cyberlove” is exploding precisely because computer use � and Internet access � is growing rapidly among the adult population. While people initially used computers to get information, they are now quickly turning to them for social uses. Psychologist Dr. Kenneth Appell says this may be because electronic communication fosters a deeper, more intense intimacy due to its ease and anonymity. He describes it as meeting “from the inside out.” Dr. Appell should know; a clinical psychologist at the University of California Medical Center in San Francisco, he is also a successful cyberlove seeker, and coauthor (with his wife Beverly) of It Takes Two.com: A Psychological and Spiritual Guide to Finding Love on the Internet Personals

Dating, Kissing, and What Men Say about Romance

Dating and the Single Man
(North America, 1994)
According to survey results, chivalry isn’t dead! In fact, most single men in North America like observing the old-fashioned gestures: 91 percent want to open doors for dates, 85 percent prefer to pick up the tab, and 77 percent would like to help their date put on her coat.

Dating Around the World
(Global, 1994)
Fewer than half the women surveyed in 21 countries (47 percent) would choose their current husband or boyfriend as the perfect date!

America’s Most Wanted Man and Woman
(North America, 1993)
Want a snapshot of the perfect date? According to the 1,000 men and women surveyed, the perfect male is of average height, with blue eyes and short, neat brown hair. The ideal woman is also of average height, with blue eyes, full lips and wavy, shoulder-length brown hair.

The Most Romantic Men in the World
(Global, 1993)
Women in 14 countries around the world are convinced that men in Italy and France are the most romantic. But when the same ladies rate their own mates, the guys who most often finish at the top are actually from Greece!

“A Kiss Is Just a Kiss”
(North America, 1992)
The first kiss is often the most memorable for the 33 percent of men and women who say they “never got over” him or her.

Kissing Around the World
(Global, 1992)
If love makes the world go around, kissing is an essential part of the process, according to 77 percent of all those surveyed. Fully 49 percent rate their own kissing prowess as eight or better on a scale of 10!

Harlequin Asks Men about Romance
(North America, 1991)
The double standard takes on a new meaning as men advise women to have a lot of lovers before they marry � recommending an average of nine sexual partners. For themselves, the guys said 16 was a nice round number. When asked to rate their love lives, 30 percent reported “great,” another 36 percent said “pretty darn good,” 23 percent said “average” � and a woeful eight percent reported that their neighbor’s dog has more dates!

The State of Romance in North America
(North America, 1990)
When asked, “If you were getting married tomorrow, would you pick the same man you’re with today?” Harlequin’s respondents gave back a resounding “Yes!” Almost nine out of 10 married women would pick the same spouse all over again. And 60 percent of the singles would like to wed their current guy.

Top Statistics on Love

Lingerie
(North America, 1998)
A majority (68 percent) of women say they wear sexy lingerie to please themselves, not necessarily anyone else. The secret’s out: 72 percent of women believe that when their men give them a gift of lingerie, the gift is really for him!

Time for Love
(Global, 1998)
Contrary to conventional wisdom, women around the world have plenty of time for romance; in fact, 56 percent say they have ample time to make love with their partner, and 58 percent don’t let a day go by without making themselves look attractive! If they could have more time for just one thing, women around the globe would choose:

1. Traveling: 26 percent
2. Quality time with friends and family: 15 percent
3. Romance: 14 percent

Trust, Lies, and Relationships
(North America, 1997)
Nine out of 10 respondents (89 percent) believe that mutual trust is very important in a relationship, but only 69 percent say they trust their mate completely. And 4 percent admit they don’t trust their partner at all!

Jealousy
(Global, 1997)
More than six out of 10 men and women believe their mate is “just right” when it comes to the jealousy issue! Those who believe that they’re hooked up with a partner who is “too jealous” are most likely to live in Turkey (40 percent), Portugal (36 percent), Poland (31 percent), Spain (30 percent) or Greece (25 percent).

America in the Bedroom
(North America, 1996)
Almost half (46 percent) of women in North America agree that “a good night’s sleep is better than sex.” Fully one-third say that if they could have anything in the world, they would like more sleep.

The Ideal Man
(Global, 1996)
The ideal man would always be “my best friend,” according to 47 percent of the survey respondents. In his spare time, the ideal man would most often choose to spend time with his kids, say 36 percent of all those surveyed.

Couples
(North America, 1995)
Eight out of 10 men and women agree that the best thing about being a couple is “having someone to share your life with.” The survey also proves that the concept of the “clingy” woman is a fallacy: 65 percent of all women surveyed are comfortable doing things without their partners, compared with 51 percent of the men.

The Most Romantic Women in the World
(Global, 1995)
The men most likely to agree with the statement “I adore her, and she feels the same about me,” live in Australia and the U.S. (96 percent each), Canada (95 percent), France (94 percent) and Taiwan (93 percent). Those most likely to report that “she takes me for granted” live in Hungary (87 percent), Holland, and France (79 percent each).